My Adult Doctor's Appointment

One time I noticed that all my problems tend to go away if I just wait a little. The result of this is that I haven’t had an annual physical since my pediatrician years. I was telling my roommates this and how I felt as though I don’t need a doctor or medicine and that I’m invincible and also incredible, and Josh’s only response was, “Deidre… are you vaccinated?” I am, of course, but the point is that’s a horrible look for me. So I booked my first adult doctor’s appointment.

(What actually happened is I have extreme anxiety and I woke up at a firm 4:32am and said out loud, “I haven’t been to the doctor in five years so I definitely have heart issues.” Therefore, my boyfriend took my insurance card out of my wallet and booked me my first adult doctor’s appointment.)

The morning of the appointment, I found myself on the New York City subway, more jaded than ever. I live here. I am on my way to my adult doctor’s appointment. You tourists don’t even know. You’re trying to navigate yourselves to a boozy brunch before your matinee tickets to Wicked, and I am just trying to get to my adult doctor’s appointment because I live and work here. And you’re in my way. With your southern accents. Get out of my way— I’m a working mom (of a gecko) who’s just trying to stay healthy in this city. Y’all are on the wrong train, by the way. I make eye contact with the other 60 year old woman who’s clearly also going to something important. We roll our eyes. She gets me.

I walk into the office full of adults with adult jobs and sigh with a smile. I’ve made it. I’m brought into the exam room and the nurse girl practitioner person comes in and begins taking my vitals. Then she’s like, “ok I’m going to step out and you can put the gown on.” THE GOWN?!?! LIKE A HOSPITAL GOWN? I never did this five years ago at the pediatrician. 

She comes back in, and I’m like, hey girl, do you have a gown that’s cut a little shorter? My body type kind of requires a Sabrina Carpenter type dress, you know that’s pretty much up to the crotch, or else I’ll look like I was swallowed by a garbage bag. But she was kinda weird— she didn’t respond and just started putting stickers on my body. And she opened up my dress and my left boob was just kinda sticking out and I was like hey that’s my left boob. What was the point of the gown?

Turns out that was my first EKG, and I literally nailed it.

Then she’s like, “do you have any persisting issues you’d like to check on today?” So obviously, I pulled out my list: I’m always tired, my hair falls out, I can go a really long time without eating, I’m sometimes tired, my eyes hurt during the day, I’m like constantly itchy, I think I have heart problems, and I’m like always tired. She says, “this is beyond me,” and walks out.

There was a mirror facing the chair bed thing that I was sitting on, and the gown did start to look cute on me if I posed the right way, so the doctor walked in while I was sitting on my knees and arching my back, with my hands in my hair of course.

She was like a magician. She says to me, “along with your physical, which looks great so far, is there anything you’d like to check in with?” I took a breath to start my list, and before I could even say the word I, she cut me off to say, “so you clearly have some anxiety.” And I’m like bitch no, I go to work and I have so many friends. She then handed me a prescription.

But honestly, who cares, because I have an adult pharmacy now!!! 

I did have to pee in a cup. But the way they had this set up was UNGODLY embarrassing: they only had one bathroom, and you had to leave your cup in a bin in there. But they didn’t take each cup out of the bin after each person. So I had to watch this normal man go into the bathroom DIRECTLY after I walked out, knowing that he was going to match me to the cup of the most dehydrated fluid possible. I know that none of you needed to know any of this, but it directly impacted my day and this is a NEWSletter. This situation probably isn’t that embarrassing for hydrated people. It’s honestly probably really validating for hydrated people, because hydrated people are probably like, “wow it feels so good to have clear pee. This is probably so embarrassing for dehydrated people.”

I ended my visit with blood work. I told myself not to look. So I looked. AND I DON’T THINK ANYONE TALKS ABOUT HOW SCARY IT IS TO LOOK DOWN AND SEE BLOOD STREAMING THROUGH A TUBE OUT OF YOUR ARM. AND I DON’T THINK ANYONE TALKS ABOUT HOW MUCH SCARIER IT IS TO LOOK DOWN AND SEE FIVE VILES OF BLOOD WITH YOUR NAME ON THEM. I wore my bandaid to work that night so that my tables and coworkers would know what I went through. That I am a grown person with hardships and real things to do. 

So I left and sat at a ramen restaurant by myself. I walked in and said, “just me.” Because I am an adult in a real city with real things to do. And adults do all of this just like me.

And that bowl of ramen tasted almost as good as my first 5 milligrams of Lexapro.