I Am Ariana Grande

I was recently told that I am maybe too confident. And I was like, no I’m not too confident, I’m just Ariana Grande. I don’t really know how that could be misinterpreted as too much confidence. 

I was also recently told that I don’t really look like her, but I was like, no when I look at myself in the mirror, Ariana Grande looks back. I’m nothing if not honest.

I am small and so is she. She really looks so small in the Domingo SNL skit. And I was told recently that I should be on SNL. 

When I picture myself walking around I literally picture her, I don’t know what to tell you.

I went to Chili’s last night and our waitress asked my friend Nicole if she wanted onions on her sliders. Nicole said yes, and the waitress said, “oh wow, okay! I usually take them off by default, those disgusting slimy onions. They are so disgusting and slimy.” Then she left and forgot Nicole’s disgusting and slimy sliders altogether. When she apologized, she said, “it’s been a rough day. I can’t believe I’m only 23, I have so much of this awful life left.” She asked us how old we were, and I said, “I’m also 23 but I’m looking forward to the rest of my life because I’m Ariana Grande.” I hope that helped her. It probably didn’t because she forgot our cookie skillet, too.

I went to AYCE (that’s all you can eat) sushi with a group of friends, and when we walked in, they said their kitchen was closing at 3:00 so we had to order everything all at once but they were happy to seat us. That’s fine, we said, and we sat down. Our plates came out pretty quickly, and as we were eating off of all of them, our waitress, Lucy, came back and took a full platter away from us without saying anything. We said, that was weird. She came back twenty minutes later with an identical platter, still not saying words. We didn’t ask her any questions, well because, we were hungover. We waited a little to see if she was going to take something new away or come back with a candle and sing a song, but after a minute or two we decided to eat it. As we were eating, she came back and said, “are you going to finish that.” “Yes, that was our intention,” we said. I shortly noticed that Lucy was watching us eat from like five feet away. Not my usual restaurant experience, and as a server myself, watching people chew isn’t my favorite activity. She came back moments later and said, “we have to close, please pay now.” We handed our cards, still with a full plate in front of us, and she very dryly said, “you ordered too much” and quickly took the plate away.

Lucy didn’t know who I was. My friend wrote “be a little nicer next time” on his signed receipt. Sympathy is literally a knife.

That same day, we went to a bar downtown where a man insulted my curtain bangs after I told him I have a boyfriend. His name was also Alex. Sore subject, I guess.

This is a fun place!

I’m Ariana Grande and this is my GRWM. To get ready for each show day, I drink five beverages all at once: a cup of coffee with pumpkin creamer, glacier freeze Gatorade electrolyte powder, pink lemonade EmergenC (wish I had the raspberry), a Core Power vanilla 42g protein shake, and plain water. I take five bendy straws from the bartenders each day.

The other day my gum fell out of my mouth onstage, so I did what any reasonable actor would have done. Picked it up off the floor, showed it to the audience, put it back in my mouth, and continued the rest of my line. 

Penny Pingleton can’t dance, but Deidre can. And the through line of that did confuse me at first, but if you watch me try to pull focus during “Big Blonde and Beautiful,” you’ll notice that I find the beat somewhere around the line “pinch of sugar and a dash of spice” and from that point on, Penny knows how to dance. I hide easter eggs everywhere. I do everything for my fans. I’m not just a pretty face.

(I’m sorry that I write about theatre in such a vague way despite this being my main career path, but I just can’t be one of those crazy people. My fashion sense is too good. Text me if you need more information, seriously.) 

(To my dad’s coworkers who all subscribed to this recently— I’m fearful that you might misinterpret my generational satire for unintelligence. I use the word “like” purposely, and the lack of punctuation and grammatical incompetency goes along with the bit. Just picture yourself as a girl in her twenties. Wait maybe actually don’t)

I got a real DM the other day that said “U r Ariana grande” so blame them.

And when you see me as Glinda for Halloween, literally shut up, you’re wearing a t-shirt that says Diet Coke.