Here's What You Missed on Me:

As usual, I started this new era of Don’t Touch Deidre with a lie. I did post on Instagram on MONDAY that there would be a post on TUESDAY. (it’s saturday). But babes have you ever had just like a really busy week— like head cold Monday, period Tuesday (this blog makes it sound like I’m permanently bleeding), manager-fractured-her-spine-and-other-server-called-out-so-I-had-to-serve-two-work-events-and-a-whole-dining-room-by-myself Wednesday, and I’ve worked every day since LAST Friday (rent is DUE). So chill out and stop refreshing your emails. It’s here. 

Anyways…

I’m baaaaaaack! This time on Substaaaaaaack! 

For those of you who were betting that I’d stop writing because you think I’m lazy, worthless, and ugly, I know you only exist in my head so fuck off!

When I started Don’t Touch Deidre, it was something to do before I got a job. Then when I got a bit of an ego, I thought about making it my job. I tried for like one day only, but it’s still a dream.

It does need to be a distant dream, however, because I’ve been lucky enough to really enjoy all of the performance jobs I’ve had in the last year, and it’s become something I really want to continue investing in. It feels really good to have a basket to put all of your eggs in, even if some of them rot from time to time. However, that investment did cause Don’t Touch Deidre to go to the wastebasket instead.

I am now paying for my professional website, blah, so I needed a free alternative to keep this alive. I almost killed it, but SO many of you BEGGED on your KNEES for me to keep writing (it was one of your dads; the rest of you didn’t care that much actually). 

Ok, but here’s what you missed on ME! doodoodoodoodoodoodoodoo:

I had the pleasure of doing two really great contracts in Pennsylvania and Mississippi respectively, with 18 hours in my NYC apartment in between the two. I didn’t write during either of them, the first because it was an expedited rehearsal process at all hours of the day, and the second because there was a pool. My next one is coming up in September, also in Pennsylvania (closest one yet!), and in the meantime I’ve been beach, work, demure on the outside, brat on the inside. The time has gone really fast, maybe because a week-long vacation as an adult actually feels like a month away, and maybe because working five days a week as a child actually feels like death. 

We renewed our lease in this famed apartment and I’m excited for it to inspire funny words for another year. And famous character, Boyfriend Alex, has moved in! We share a room which is really less scary than you’d think, and for that reason I’d like to share that Virgo men are less scary than you’d think, AND I haven’t had to fill up my own water bottle in almost a month!

We have another new roommate, too. A leopard gecko named Blessing (she/her), obviously. Most people have been shocked, as I’m sure you will be too, to find that I let this animal into my home, being who I am and also that I just let a 6-foot 21 year old animal in a month prior. But I was told I didn’t have to spend a cent on it—sorry— her, and that I don’t have to change anything about my day to day. Because I will NOT feed it live worms. And if one more person tells me that the worms can turn into beetles, I will be convinced no one cares about my well being, like WHY are you all telling me that and expecting me to keep breathing? Basically, my roommates better remember to feed her. I threatened to let her die if they did, but I’m worried they’re gonna test me because they know I’m all talk on that front. I will actually be so sad if they bring a new being into my life and then kill it off. I did let her crawl on me the first day and I think it went really well. She needs a manicure though. 

Before I stopped writing for the summer, I had a few notes in my phone about ideas I wanted to write about. Unfortunately, I can’t remember where they were leading, so I’ll just list them here and call it a day:

“Brushing your teeth, painting your nails”

“Coffee: Running to spamalot after Jane goodall’s 90th birthday with chipotle 

No coffee: Accidentally agreeing to give someone my phone number because I don’t speak Spanish”

“Spider Man running out of Prosecco”

“ethereal and cereal”

“Chiquitita”

Welcome to the new era of Don’t Touch Deidre! On Substack! Please enjoy as these posts hit your inbox with no schedule or warning. Also, all of my old posts are on this page as well, plus a new About Me page, so if you’re new or you just miss me, click around. We got an espresso machine— more on that soon.

(P.S. Emily King: I’m sorry that I published this as your train pulled into Penn Station. I’ve never been considerate a day in my life. See you soon)